


You are not who I thought  you were(but neither am I)

by Sky_Girls



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Development, Character Study, Developing Relationship, F/M, Healing, Pre-Relationship, Psychological Trauma, Relationship Growth, Relationship Study, Trauma, and we deserve to explore it, as so does she, ginny weasley has gone through a lot, ish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21857149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sky_Girls/pseuds/Sky_Girls
Summary: She realizes then that he came for her. He saved her, just like she always dreamed of, he is her knight in shining armor, sword and all. It doesn't feel nearly as fulfilling as she once thought it would.
Relationships: Diary Tom Riddle & Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood & Ginny Weasley, Tom Riddle & Ginny Weasley
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	You are not who I thought  you were(but neither am I)

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing this for what feels like forever so the fact that it's being posted is honestly almost like a dream (the fact that I'm doing this at 3 AM is not helping I guess) and I wanna thank whiffingbooks on tumblr and here for being such an amazing support and the biggest help while writing this and emergencybitch on tumblr (VeronicaIByrne here) for giving me the courage to actually post it.  
> This is by the way canon compliant-ish , it doesn't stray too far from the books but I'm also taking liberties mostly based on the fact that we don't really know much about what Ginny Weasley gets up to most of the time and I'm gonna take advantage of that. Anyway I hope you enjoy this!

**_Before_ **

She can see him in her mind clearly. For all that she doesn't know about how he looks or how he is, his image burns in her mind bright and clear, his lightning scar _always_ at the focus of it. The only identifying characteristic she knows of him. But she doesn't mind because who cares what he looks like- he is a hero,a hero like no one else can ever dream of being. He did something impossible, something not even the most powerful wizards of their time could do,he defeated evil. He is a legend, as much as he is her favorite bedtime story and her favorite dreams. 

Because she dreams of him, always blurry but kind and brave and noble, saving her from dragons and her brothers and fighting alongside her too. She can imagine a life full of adventures with him. 

And she is sure she will get there. 

**_His first year_ **

She likes him as soon as she sees him. She doesn't know it’s him of course but she likes him. He is shy as he asks her mum how to get to the platform, his smile is hesitant and his hair is messy. Mostly she likes his eyes, so green and bright and unique. At the tender age of ten she doesn't yet have all the words she could use to describe those deep emerald eyes and somehow she doubts she will ever manage.

When she finds out who he really is she is not surprised, a hero would have those eyes.

After that her mind hurries to fill all the gaps and holes in her dreams and fantasies with those green eyes and unruly black hair. They fit perfectly. He fits perfectly. 

Of all the things that could happen Ron ends up becoming his mate, his best mate, he says and if this was someone else she would tease him about how infatuated with the guy he is but he has too much against her on this particular topic so she leaves him alone and drinks in every detail she can of the great Harry Potter who just gets greater and greater the more she knows about him.

**_First year_ **

One day she walks into the kitchen, still in her nightgown, her hair a total mess, pillow lines still on her cheeks and maybe a little bit of dried drool too and he is there. She tries to brave it, act like the Gryffindor she is sure she will be, tries to keep a little of her dignity, but instead of smiling and saying ‘good morning’ as she eats her breakfast like any normal person would she runs upstairs to hide. After that, things just get worse. 

She has never been a clumsy person, she has never been shy either but she can't help it, whenever he is close she ends up tripping over her own feet, walking into walls and slipping her elbow into butter dishes. Her brothers are having a field day with it all which only makes the situation worse. She can imagine the things Ron is telling Harry about her and her long time crush, how much the twins are teasing him and it only makes her want to run away and hide herself in her room for the rest of eternity or until Harry forgets how ridiculous she is or all of her existence, whichever happens first. 

All in all she spends her summer avoiding him and her brothers and when she is not doing that Ron is making sure that she is nowhere near so she won't make his best mate uncomfortable with her stupid crush. It's honestly kind of a lonely summer. 

Things don't get better when she gets to Hogwarts but she does feel less silly, less like a bother, less alone. It's not because of her dorm mates, as much as they seem like nice girls they don't connect very much and Tom says they don't like her. At first she doesn't believe him but then she starts noticing the way they look at her hand-me-down robes, the distaste they have for her old books and her freckles. They never outright say it but she isn't easily fooled.

Besides Tom she makes only one friend or something like that because no matter how sweet Colin is all he cares about is Harry Potter so much so it's a lot even for Ginny and he only wants someone to talk about him with, he doesn't seem to particularly mind if it's not her. Tom is the only person who really cares for her, the only person who truly sees her, the only person who sees Ginny, not a Weasley, not somebody’s little sister, not Harry Potter's number one fangirl, just Ginny. 

So of course he is the first one she tells when she starts losing her memory. He is the first person she trusts enough to tell him that she thinks she is going crazy, that she is losing big parts of her days, that she is having recurring nightmares of things she has never even thought of before. That she wakes up in the morning gets ready for charms and then finds herself in potions hours later, with absolutely no recollection of how she got there. Even her attempts at researching what could be happening to her fall apart because whenever she goes to the library she can't remember how she spends her hours there. 

He tells her it's okay. He tells her she is stressed, that she has nothing to worry about. His words are sweet and reassuring. Somehow very empty sometimes, but he cares and he says she is good, she is safe and that's all she really needs to know,all she needs to hear. Sometimes she wonders if maybe he knows this.

Things change slightly when people start getting petrified. Tom changes slightly, he becomes harsher- not with her, not exactly but with her ideas, with her feelings. He insists that she needs to stay away from it, needs not to worry, she has enough on her plate already and it could be dangerous, besides ‘they are _mudblood_ _s_ who cares about them?’ She does, she answers, she cares about them all and she thinks it’s awful and cruel that he doesn't. Didn't he grow up with them, she asks, is he not a half blood. 

He doesn't talk to her for days after that and this awful feeling of anxiety sitting at the bottom of her stomach doesn't leave her, as the days pass it becomes harder to breathe without him, it becomes harder to think. She tries reaching for him, tries writing to him, she fills pages and pages begging for him to come back to her. The only thing wiping her words away are her desperate tears- not him, never him. She is so terrified that she lost him forever, she lost her first actual friend. 

But he comes back, he comes back and apologizes to her. He says he is sorry, he shouldn't have been so hard on her, that sometimes he forgets how young she is, that she doesn't understand how things really work in this world, that he gets why she would react this way, because she doesn't know any better. She doesn't like being patronized, she doesn't like being treated like a little girl but she is so scared to lose him again, to be alone again that she metaphorically bites her tongue and doesn't say anything. 

That way she has her best friend back but the heavy feeling on her stomach doesn't disappear. It only gets worse. 

All their talks now are him trying to teach her how things really are, teach her how the world works. All their talks now leave her feeling sick to her stomach and wanting to throw up

It doesn't take long for her to figure out that there's something wrong with her, something terribly wrong and that Tom knows what it is. When she finds herself one day with feathers in her hair and blood on her hands she realizes that it’s not only that, it's probably his fault too. 

She doesn't tell him anything, she is not dumb enough to do that but it's too late,he is too deep inside of her now. His soul and hers are intertwined, tangled and he doesn’t need her writing to him anymore to control her. He doesn't need her to do anything anymore because she is barely Ginny now, she is just Tom's puppet.

She hates it,she hates it, she hates it. Mostly she hates him. 

She gathers enough hate to throw him away, to flush him down the toilet, to stay away from him. A part of her doubts that this will be enough, but she hopes, she really does.

Turns out he was right when he called her a foolish little girl. When he said that she could never get rid of him because soon enough she hears that Harry, of all people- Harry, has the diary and there are so many reasons why this is bad, why she can't let this go any longer. So she goes and steals the diary, doesn’t even think about it, doesn't even plan it. It's not her best work but she gets it,she gets the diary away from Harry and while doing so she lets herself fade into Tom, she loses herself completely.

The next memory she has that feels hers, that feels totally and completely hers, that is not blurred around the edges and fuzzy, is of Harry, he is bloodied and bruised,making sure she is alright, reassuring her that Tom is gone. 

She realizes then that he came for her. He saved her, just like she always dreamed of, he is her knight in shining armor, sword and all. It doesn't feel nearly as fulfilling as she once thought it would.

**_Second year_ **

No one knows how to act around her, trapped between acting like nothing ever happened and like she is some breakable, fragile little thing. She can't blame them, not really. She doesn't know how to act either, she doesn't know who she really is. Tom was a part of her for so long that she no longer knows who she is without him.

Sometimes she wants him back, just to go back to that comfort of not having to feel, of not having to be. 

Sometimes she feels like he never left her. She hears his voice, sees him in her nightmares, feels his phantom touch on her hair and cheeks when she is crying herself to sleep. And how fucked up is that that's the only comfort that she can find in this whole situation?

She doesn't dare to go to her parents, the pitying looks too much for her to bear, their soft voices something she doesn't deserve. And worst of all, she doesn't think they can fix this, she doesn't think they can fix her. They don't understand what's happening, they don't understand how she is feeling. They are just as lost as she is in all of this if not more. 

It’s earth shattering, she had never before found a problem her father's hugs couldn’t solve, never before found a sadness her mother's cooking couldn’t quell. She wonders if this means she will feel this way forever, wondering if between all the lies Tom didn't say some truths too. After all she really doesn’t know how the world works. But maybe no one knows. 

When her parents tell them they are going to Egypt with the money his dad won in the contest she can see right through it. It’s not really just about getting the whole family together, they are actually hoping that Bill and Charlie have any idea how to deal with this, how to deal with her, that them being the ones who have seen her the least, since everything went to hell, they would have a more fresh and objective outlook in this whole situation. 

She is not hopeful about this, she is not hopeful that they will be able to fix her but she is excited about seeing them, excited about Egypt in general. They do have some pretty cool things there according to Bill’s letters. 

Of course, it turns out that the whole trip is just kind of frustrating. Her mother babying her every step of the way, forbidding her from entering the tombs and the pyramids and from seeing anything remotely creepy or interesting the whole time, saying it could give her nightmares and she has to bite her tongue to not tell her that wouldn’t be any different from the current situation, that she doesn’t remember the last time she had a peaceful night of sleep. 

She just accepts her fate, not without much whining and complaining because if they are going to treat her like a baby she is very much gonna act like one. Somehow that seems to be the right thing to do to make everyone just a little less worried about her, apparently being back to her combative and annoying self is all she needed to do to get everyone settled and treating her like they normally would. It seems to be a huge relief for everyone, like they found their footing with her again, like she has made herself fit into the boxes they have for her. She is their Ginny again, the littlest of the Weasleys, the only girl, the princess of the family, the annoying little sister, the one who needs to be protected. 

She wants to scream at them that she is no longer that Ginny, that she never will but the consequences of that would be too much to bear because she thinks of consequences before actually doing something now, not while she is doing it. 

She knows that it would make everything go back to that limbo state from before or even worse they would start treating her like a complete stranger and she doesn’t think she can handle that. And maybe it’s better this way, letting everyone else define her for everything that she is to them and not her own person, it certainly seems like it will be easier for them. 

So she pretends and pretends and pretends.

She goes through the motions like it’s all just some quidditch game, just some moves and reactions, her strategy so well planned, her opponent so well studied that there’s no way that she will ever lose. 

She marvels at her new found ability to read people, to make them do exactly as she wants, to make them behave exactly as she wants. She has always been a little manipulative, always has known how to get exactly what she wants- she is the youngest sibling after all. But this is different- this is so much more calculated that she ever was. This doesn’t feel like she is giving people little nudges in the direction she wants to go, this feels like they are her chess pieces and she can control them however she wants. She wonders if that’s Tom’s influence on her or maybe just his effect. She guesses she will never know. She doesn’t think she ever wants to know.

When they say their goodbyes both Bill and Charlie hug her a little tighter than they usually would and she can’t help the feeling that they are savoring the fact that she is still there, that she made it out of it all alive. Maybe they’ve just missed her and she is reading too much into the situation, but she doesn’t think so, she has always known her brothers well but they are all completely open books to her now. 

When she goes back to The Burrow, she focuses on studying much to Ron’s dismay and Percy’s delight. She doesn’t tell them that she is not studying ahead. She doesn’t tell anyone that she is actually trying to fill the gaps, that she is trying to learn all the things she supposedly did last year but can’t remember, that she is trying to make sense of all the knowledge she has now that feels like should go over her head but she can understand seamlessly even if she doesn’t really know the basics of anything yet. 

It helps having a task to focus on, having a goal to follow. It helps her feel just a little more put together. 

And of course that’s when Harry fucking Potter comes back again, his green eyes just as bright, his hair just as messy, his everything just as delightful as always. It’s not his fault how incredibly unsettled he makes her, how foreign in her own body he makes her feel, it’s not his fault that she has no idea how to be with him, what to be with him. She can’t predict his moves and reactions the way she can with everyone else. It’s not his fault how much he affects her, but she can’t really not put it against him. 

She can’t gather too many negative feelings against him either. She doesn’t think it’s possible to really do it, with his earnest smile and his soft looks, his hesitant words and his stuttering when he isn’t sure what to say, he is just too damn adorable for her well being. 

And way too enticing to danger for his it seems because of course there’s a mass murderer going after him. She overhears mum and dad talking about it one night, mum insisting that they shouldn’t tell him, that it would make no sense, that he is a kid. Ginny almost snorts. She doesn’t think Harry has ever gotten to be a kid, at least not just one but then she notices another shadow lurking on the stairway, a few steps below her not having noticed her yet and she guesses that dad will get what he wants in some sort of way because Harry is finding out exactly why Sirius Black escaped Azkaban. 

She considers going to him, comforting him maybe, saying something to him, anything that's actually a coherent sentence but she doesn’t dare and soon enough her parents are ending their conversation and she needs to flee from the scene. 

She goes to bed knowing she wouldn’t have dared to talk to him anyway. She has too much against her,or him now she is not only the overtly shy little sister but the girl whose life he had to save because she let herself be possessed by Lord Voldemort just because she was a little lonely. And deep down she knows he doesn’t see it this way but she sees it this way and that’s enough to cloud her mind. Enough to get her all blushy and annoying and she can’t even blame Fred and George for teasing her anymore because she is pathetic. 

She can however poke holes in one of those bags they carry in their trunk hoping the suspicious content gets all over their clothes (and if a few days later their skins get bright pink in certain areas well they think it was an accident and blame each other instead of her).

The ride to Hogwarts is just as chaotic as last year and Ginny can’t help the anxious feeling that settles in her chest, this totally irrational impending sense of doom. She knows that the chances that something like last year happening to her or happening at all are very low but her heart won’t stop beating loudly feeling like drums against her chest and making her nauseous somehow. She keeps her face expressionless as she stares out of the window. No one seems to think anything is wrong- it doesn’t seem to cross anyone’s mind that maybe going to the place where she was possessed for months, stripped of her decisions and autonomy and then almost killed could affect her in any way. 

She feels anger swell up inside of her, hot and explosive, the kind of anger that had her doing accidental magic or throwing stuff at her brothers. She manages to control it though, which is new but not unwelcome. She doesn’t want to make a scene; doesn’t want to make anyone notice. She just wants to calm down and convince herself that nothing is going to happen. After all, she doesn’t have any reason to be so scared, it’s just Hogwarts. 

Of course destiny is out to prove her wrong. 

The train ride starts awfully, mostly because she is alone and she feels like a complete outsider. Colin sees her and invites her to the compartment but he is with the rest of their housemates and she honestly doesn’t feel like talking about the great Harry Potter or standing the weird looks everyone but Colin gives her so she just smiles and tells him she will sit with her brother. 

It ends up not being a complete lie because at some point when she is already comfy in an empty compartment the train stops, it just stops making her almost fall off her lying position on the seat and the temperature drops several degrees, making a shiver travel down her spine. It’s not hard to register that there’s something wrong and it’s not surprising that she basically runs to look for one of her brothers, for some kind of support . What’s surprising is that she almost instantly register the danger as _Dementors._

It’s not like she shouldn’t know about Dementors, like she didn’t previously know about their existence but it’s very general stuff, stuff her parents whisper between them so they don’t have to hear, stuff that everyone knows anyway. She knows what they do, she doesn’t know how they feel. And she has no idea why this sudden drop of temperature is such a clear sign to her, but she doesn’t want to think about it, she doesn’t have time for it, she needs to find someone, she needs not to be alone. Because a sense of despair is taking over her and Tom’s presence is the strongest it has been since she woke up on the hard, cold floor of the chamber and she isn’t sure she cannot drown in it on her own. 

Going to the place where Harry Potter, also known as human magnet for danger, is proves not to be her smartest decision and she ends up face to face with the Dementors, Tom’s voice echoing on her ears. 

“ _I wished I could say I’m sorry, Ginevra.”_ He says and she can see the cold smile on his face

 _“This is all your fault, you brought this on yourself, you brought this onto everyone else.”_ He blames her. He is right and he knows it, she knows it.

_“Such a foolish little girl,so naive, so useful.”_ He enjoys the way his words cut her, enjoys the way that after everything there’s a part of her still chasing for his approval.

_“You could have been great, you could have been powerful.”_ He says a small regretful smile on his beautiful face and she hates how those words still make her feel proud somehow and like a disappointment at the same time. 

She doesn’t really register anything that happens after that. She just walks in a haze until she finds herself lying in bed, tears stinging in her eyes, her lip bleeding under the pressure of her own teeth as she tries to keep herself from crying, promising herself she will somehow learn the silencing charm the twins keep on their room to not alert their mum of everything that goes inside there. 

She feels like she doesn’t sleep at all that night but she must have because the night doesn’t feel endless, hours don’t seem to pass by before she sees the light finally pass through the curtains of her bed. It’s still extremely early but it’s day now and she can’t handle this anymore, so she gets out of her bed, showers quickly and sneaks into the broom shed close to the quidditch pitch and grabs the less shitty looking broom she can find and soars through the air. 

She flies for hours, enjoying the wind on her face and the weightless sensation of not having to think while she is up in the air. She pushes the old school broom to its limits, testing her own as she tries dangerous and complicated stunts. At some point it occurs to her that she hasn’t flown in almost a year. She just becomes bolder. 

She skips breakfast but as she is walking through the castle hallways on her way to her first class, she feels more like herself than she has in a long time. She feels steadier, firmer, less like she will break at any given moment. 

Maybe this is what gives her the confidence to walk to those fourth year Ravenclaws who are picking on someone but as soon as she sees who it is, she almost wishes she didn't. 

Because it’s Luna, delightfully weird Loony Lovegood. The girl who was the closest thing to a friend of her own she ever had,the girl who would go with her into the forest, searching for adventures with her, the girl who would sit with her on the meadow close to their houses and talk for hours with her. The girl she hasn't talked to since before the beginning of her first year.

She is an awful person. 

The guilt sets heavy on her and as much as it makes her want to turn around and never see Luna again she knows that she can't. She knows she has been awful enough and that without her, Luna has probably endured bullying all year round.

Well she is here now, decidedly back on her self imposed task of not letting anyone be mean to the blonde girl. 

And punching a guy twice her size on the face is not a smart move but she has some spells under her sleeve that no one would expect a measly, lanky second year to have. So she straightens her back and calls for them. 

“Leave her alone.” She says and her voice is lacking the usual fire, the usual anger it would be required of this situation. Instead it's cold like ice, breaking through the air. It's not a demand, it's not a plea, it's an order. And it calls everyone's attention immediately.

Luna just blinks on her direction, her face as blank and distracted as always but Ginny doesn't miss the slight raise of her left eyebrow. She is not sure if it's in surprise or a question but she can’t take her time to examine it more carefully because the boys’ focus is on her now and they are looking at her like she is a bug they will enjoy crushing.

“And why would we do that?” She nearly rolls her eyes at them for thinking they can intimidate her but she keeps her face stoic and cold.

“Because I say so.” She says firmly, her hand clutching her wand in that subtle way she had seen Bill do this summer, in that way Tom taught her. 

One of the guys take a step towards her and she is regretting not following her usual way of punching first, asking questions later because suddenly she is questioning her ability to deal with these guys who are obviously stronger and have more experience than her.

One of them moves his hand,starting the movements of some kind of spell and her body takes over the situation, quickly throwing a bat bogey his way before he can even get the spell out. A part of her is extremely proud of herself, the other is well aware that the other boys look very angry and she needs to force herself not to listen to her self preservation instincts and run away because she has lived with the twins for enough time to know that if you back away you will never live it down. 

She needs to find a way to deal with the situation without seeming weak, without seeming like an easy target. She can't afford that after last year and Luna can't afford it either. If she doesn't manage this they will only turn more vicious. 

In the end, or well in the next three second, it’s Luna who gives her the answer, the one who raises her eyebrows at her and moves her head slightly to her right, making sure she hears the distinctive sound of Mcgonagall’s steps getting closer to them. The boys start walking towards her and she takes a step back as she sees Luna calmly free the guy from the bogeys attacking his face and hides her wand. 

Somehow they time it perfectly because when Mcgonagall finally appears all she sees is a bunch of older students about to hex a small and innocent second year who is close to tears in fear. And she has no qualms about stopping them or taking house points from them. Ginny smiles at them as they leave, blinking at them with extremely fake innocence, sure to let them know that the scared little girl act she has pulled on for her head of house was just that and that she won this round. That she played them.

She is not sure this will keep them away for good or at all even. But damn if it doesn't feel great.

“Thanks for helping me.” Luna says in her usual eerie voice as they walk towards their Charms class and the guilt washes over Ginny again. 

She takes a deep breath and then another and way too soon they are in front of their classroom, students swarming in before it gets late and she hasn't gathered the courage to apologize,haven't found the words that could properly express what she wants to say,what she needs to say, what she needs to explain. 

She tugs at the other girl's sleeve before she goes into the classroom, stopping her.

“Luna I…” She starts but she doesn't know what to say. Maybe she doesn't need to say anything because Luna smiles at her, soft and kind and understanding somehow.

“It's okay.” She says and Ginny shakes her head but before she can even say anything else Luna cuts her off. “You weren't really yourself last year.”

“No, I wasn't.” Ginny admits and she wonders how much Luna has pieced together. 

“You aren't completely yourself either this year.” Luna comments and Ginny forgets sometimes, all of the time, that just because Luna seems so far away, it doesn't mean she doesn't see everything, notices everything and that she understands more of it than anyone she knows. “You are getting there though.”

“Am I?” She asks hating how unsure her voice sounds.

Luna just nods, her smile widening, her eyes becoming more present, then she goes into the classroom. Ginny sits with her.

* * *

Once she starts talking to Luna again things get easier, somehow, kinda, a little at least. She has something to distract herself, someone to talk with in class and even if 80% of the time she has no idea what Luna is going on about, she still enjoys having her mind occupied and most importantly she enjoys not being alone.

Sometimes she still feels lonely but Luna doesn’t seem to take it personally, she just lets her be with as much space as she needs, as freely as she needs. It’s a stark contrast to what her family is, to the way they always seemed to be observing her, analyzing each and every move, and cataloguing them, her, into this tiny little box of their preconceived notions of her. 

She knows they just worry about her, she knows all the things they do is from a place of love and she hates that she resents all these little shows of affection but she just can’t help it and she can’t help but feel so much better having space from them.

She feels a little silly dreading coming back to Hogwarts, for not realizing what it could mean. 

She wishes that her new found freedom would translate in a way for her to figure out how to get over it all, how to shed Tom off her like a snake would with their skin, leaving it dead and withered and most importantly behind. But he is still there, he is always there, in the back of her mind, in empty corridors, in the corner of her eyes, his phantom touch still on her skin somehow, the threat of his handwriting still invisible in every parchment. She can’t get rid of the dark haired boy. She can’t get rid of the way he made her feel.

Apparently that’s her curse somehow because there’s another boy with black hair that occupies a great amount of her thoughts, another boy who doesn’t seem to leave her mind for long. It’s in no way as bad or as unpleasant as the Tom situation is but she doesn’t particularly like the way that Harry Potter affects her. 

And he is always there or maybe she is the one who is always around him, she can’t really say. But she rarely has to make an effort to find him. She doesn’t talk to him, of course she doesn’t. She has no idea how to, not after the way she put his life in danger, not after the way she has made herself a fool in front of him more times than she can count. She just likes to watch him. 

In the least creepy way possible. Or maybe in a creepy way, if she is honest with herself, because she takes every chance to do it, her eyes find him effortlessly. At the table during meals, in the common room while he is hanging out with her brother and Hermione, in the hallways as they both walk to class, her ears are tuned to the sound of his name, she hears everything everyone has to say about him whether she wants to or not. 

Luna has taken to saying whenever she catches her in one of her Harry Watching sessions that she seems to be catching wrackspurts at an alarming rate, which is her subtle way of teasing her about her crush, the way the corners of her lips curl up when she says it makes it obvious. She really doesn’t like it, Luna finds it incredibly amusing anyway. 

She tries her best to stay away from all of this, to forget about him, to just be normal and live her life not constantly aware of every breath he takes but of course the prat is one of the most interesting people in this whole castle and he makes it really hard. He goes around flying hippogriffs and according to Malfoy telling them to hurt him, he goes around not facing the Boggart in Lupin’s lesson which okay not many people are actually talking about because it’s really not that important but she hears the rumours and the theories of why Lupin stepped in before Harry could, she knows what everyone thinks his boggart would be. 

She thinks they are wrong- there’s no way Harry’s boggart would be Tom in any form, she saw him face him, she saw him defeat him. He is not scared of Voldemort, he can’t be, she thinks maybe he is scared of way worse things. 

And everytime she looks outside and she sees the dark cloaked figures flying around, just sucking the happiness out of the air. When she catches Harry doing the same she has a good idea of what his biggest fear actually is. She gets it somehow, not fully, she doubts she ever could. But she does get it. And she also wants them gone as soon as possible. 

She tries to deflect the shame of paying so much attention to him by also paying attention to his friends, his only two friends but Ron is an open book for her so not nearly as interesting as Harry and Hermione’s comings and goings manage to get her dizzy whenever she tries to follow them closely and the mystery of them doesn’t last long when she sees the golden necklace she keeps hiding inside of her robes. She hopes the older girl knows what she is doing but she doesn’t really spare her any other thought. 

Which is why she knows that Harry won’t be heading to Hogsmeade with the rest of the school on Halloween. She makes plans to talk to him. She says she will take this opportunity to have a conversation with him, to at least get on the same level he seems to be with the twins, that level where they aren’t really friends but they get along, they talk, they joke around and there’s no awkwardness between them. Maybe she can manage that. 

As always destiny has other plans because she finds herself waking up at four in the morning that day, a scream dying inside of her throat and tears running down her face. 

She has managed the silencing charm and keeps it casted around her bed so she isn’t worried about any of her roommates waking up or how she will face them in the morning, but she still doesn’t particularly want to face them, or anyone, today so she just quietly slips out of bed, puts on her clothes and sneaks out of the common room. It’s not particularly hard not being seen, or sensed, everyone even the paintings are sleeping and she is quiet enough, subtle enough. 

She walks around the castle like a ghost, feeling like one, after a while the sun starts peeking through the window, warming her pale skin when it touches it, she wishes the sun could touch her soul, warm it, make her feel like she is alive and not half trapped inside a nightmare all the time and half living inside someone else’s mind. 

Once again she misses Tom, she misses his voice, his support, she misses him taking over and not feeling anything at all. Hot tears start falling down her cheeks and she hurries to wipe them away from her face, just like she hurries to wipe away those thoughts of her mind. 

She doesn’t miss Tom, she doesn’t need him, she doesn’t need anyone. And if the last few months are anything to go by, she doesn’t even need herself. 

She doesn’t even know who that is anymore. 

She doesn’t think anyone will be able to find her. 

She has been wandering around the castle for what feels like days, when she runs into Professor Lupin, quite literally. 

“Are you okay, Miss Weasley?” He asks slightly concerned, his hand softly touching her arm to call her attention which makes her jump startled and take a step back. He frowns and she scolds herself for being so obvious.

“Yes, of course professor.” She says schooling her features into a pleasant smile, softening her eyes and her voice coming as steady and sweet as honey dripping down a spoon. Apparently it isn't enough.

“You look cold, you should come and have a cup of tea with me at my office.” He tells her voice firm and leaving no room for disagreement, she just nods and follows him quietly, not having the power to make up an excuse not to go with him. 

Remus Lupin is not a dangerous man, that she is certain of, whatever secret he is hiding is nothing that would put her at risk, because she is sure he would never put her, or anyone else at risk on purpose. She doesn’t know him but she is a good judge of character she thinks, she has learned from experience she guesses. Plus anyone Snape hates can’t be a bad person. So she isn’t scared of him but she is still terrified of what will happen now, what he will want to talk about. Because he might not be dangerous in the traditional way but he is smart and perceptive and empathetic and those are things that are incredibly dangerous for Ginny. Those are things Ginny desperately wants to stay away from. 

She sits in silence as he makes the tea, or well very quickly boils the water and pours it on the cups before adding some milk. 

He doesn’t talk until he is sitting in front of her, his cups of tea resting between them on his desk, hers firmly clamped between her hands as she tries to soak all the warmth possible off of it. 

“How have your classes been going, Miss Weasley?” He asks kindly and Ginny sighs leaving her cup of tea on the desk. She considers telling him to ask what he wants to ask, to stop beating around the bush, she considers asking what he knows about last year, just so she knows where she is standing, just so she can figure out how to play this, what moves to make. But truth be told she doesn’t want to know. 

“Pretty good.” She says truthfully trying to find the words she should say for Professor Lupin to be satisfied with them. “I’m really enjoying most of them except for History of Magic but I think that’s kind of impossible to enjoy but everything else is great and I’m getting pretty good marks all around.” 

“Really?” He asks with a small smile and she thinks he is pleased with her answer. “Well, you are indeed doing great in my class, all your essays are incredibly insightful and detailed, and you have quite an ease with that wand, is that yours or was it on the family?” 

“It’s mine, sir.” She says but doesn’t offer any more information, she is well aware of the reputation her wand wood has.

“That’s good.” He says calmly. “A magical talent like yours deserves to have a wand that’s fully matched to it.”

His words hit her like coming back to reality after losing hours of your life and finding your hands bloodied and dirtied, they cut through her pretense of stability and resonate in her head in a voice that’s definitely not Remus Lupin’s, in a softer, more intimate tone, punctuated by a proud smile while long, sleek fingers curl around a wand similar to hers, showing her how alike they truly are. 

She takes a sharp breath and quickly leaves the cup of tea back on the desk, trying to hide her shaking hands from her DADA professor. But she can’t quite manage, she can see it on his questioning eyes, how they jump to her fingers as he tries to figure out what happened, what he did to elicit such a reaction. She sees the way his lips start moving, they way they start to curl up around a question she doesn’t want to answer.

“Is that a Grindylow?” She asks quickly, as her eyes land on the creature on their frantic search to find something to get her out of the concerned questions and stares. 

“Yes, yes.” Lupin says surprised turning to look at it quickly. “It’s for my third year classes, I’m surprised you recognize it.” 

“My brother Charlie is obsessed with magical creatures.” She says easily, trying to ignore the heavy feeling on her chest. “Mostly with dragons, he works with them actually, but he loves magical creatures in general, I must have retained some of that knowledge I guess.” 

“Having so many older brothers must be useful for something.” He says lightly, the ghost of a laugh tinting his words. “You do seem quite advanced, at least on the topics of my lectures, maybe even a little bored sometimes.” 

“No, no, no.” She hurries to say because despite how much she doesn’t want to be here, exposed to any sort of serious conversation about her mental state, she does like him as a teacher and she does enjoy his classes. “I love your classes, they are probably my favorite ones, right now, I’m never bored.” 

“Just tired then?” He asks and Ginny has no idea how she walked into that question, maybe she isn’t that good at steering conversations as she thinks she is.

“I guess.” She shrugs deciding to go for half truths instead of lies. “Waking up early has never been my thing, neither is going to bed early.” 

“That I get.” He chuckles. “Mornings are not an agreeable thing for everyone.” 

“I just enjoy sleeping way too much.” She tries to say lightly, ignoring the part of her brain that is screaming to her that these days she is terrified of having to face her own dreams. 

“You don’t seem to be doing a lot of it , though.” He says, almost too casually. “Are you really doing alright?” 

“I’m good.” She says, trying to sound as convincing as possible, but her frustration and anger are peaking through her tone. “Everything is fine.” 

“You know you can come to me or any of the other professors if you need help wi-” He starts and Ginny just can’t take it anymore, because that’s some bullshit right there, because she can’t really ask for help can she? She tried that last year, she tried telling people what was happening and no one really listened to her, no one ever does.

“Can I?” She interrupts him, voice steady and cold, such a stark contrast to the hot, messy anger growing inside of her chest. “Can I really? Because let me tell you professor, experience has told me otherwise."

“I don’t really know what happened last year.” He says with a sigh.

“Nor do you need to.” She interrupts again because even if she probably looks like the perfect picture of composure she can’t control what comes out of her mouth anymore. “Because you, like everyone else knows nothing about it, and in all honesty no one wants to know, so why don’t we drop this, sir, it’s not necessary.”

“It is necessary.” Lupin says completely serene, his eyes full of warm concern and she wants to hex that expression away from his face, maybe that will rattle him a little bit. “What happened to you, being taken like that into the Chamber of Secrets, couldn’t have been easy and it’s understandable if you are having nightmares or problems sleeping because of it.” 

“Believe me, professor, that wasn’t even the worst part of my year, so don’t worry about it.” She says standing up, venom coating her words. She wonder if she was always such a snake or if Tom made her like this, she wonders if it even matters anymore. “Thanks for the tea, but I have to leave. Goodbye.” 

She hears him say something behind her but her mind is spinning too fast to actually process anything right now. She just needs to go, go, go. She needs to get away from him and everyone, she needs to get away from the castle and its walls that feel like they are falling apart all around her, trapping her inside. 

She can’t breathe, she can’t think, and she needs to be as far away from here as possible. But she can’t because she is trapped here, with nowhere to go, nowhere to fly away with the place surrounded by soul sucking creatures looking for a mad man, and she is trapped, she is trapped inside this, inside her mind and Tom is no longer controlling her but she not really free. 

She drags herself to the library, hides in a corner with the first book she can find and tries to immerse herself in the words in front of her eyes. She puts all her focus on this weird book about rare potion ingredients and the proper way to use and prepare them and somehow it manages to make her forget about the pressure in her chest. A weird mix of the repetitiveness about the listing all the characteristics of each ingredient of the proper way to cut it or mix it and the actual interesting aspect of it all manages to calm her down and she spends the whole day reading. Letting the panic settle in the back of her mind, where it usually is.

At some point Luna appears on the library sitting on a table nearby but she doesn’t approach her, probably sensing that she needs and wants to be alone. 

It’s all very quiet until Madam Pince interrupts them telling them they should all go to the Great Hall. Ginny closes her book with a frown and looks at Luna who seems just as confused as she is, and has definitely caught onto the weird slightly unsteady tone of Hogwarts’ librarian.

“What do you think happened?” Luna asks in her soft voice and Ginny just shrugs, trying to attune her ears to the chatter and gossip around them so she can figure out what happened. 

It’s not long before she hears what has happened out of the mouth of an older ravenclaw girl walking just a few steps in front of them.

“Apparently SIrius Black sneaked into the castle.” She whispers to Luna. “He slashed the Fat Lady’s portrait trying to get into the Gryffindor common room.” 

“Oh, I see how that would worry the professors.” She comments lightly as if she was talking about the weather. “Why do you think he was here?” 

“Get Harry?” Ginny offers with a shrug, that would be the most obvious reason but how would he even know that Harry wasn’t going to Hogsmeade?

“Well it wasn’t very smart of him to do it on a day where all third years are out of the castle.” Luna tells her and Ginny nods. 

“Harry didn’t go to Hogsmeade, though.” She says, voice low just for Luna’s ears. “His relatives didn’t sign the permission form.”

“Well, Sirius Black doesn’t have a way to know this, does he? “ Luna asks before adding teasingly. “I certainly don’t think he spends as much time as you do studying Harry Potter.” 

“Bugger off!” Ginny huffs blushing as Luna’s soft giggle fills the air, between all the frantic voices.

“Maybe he was looking for something else.” Luna offers after a few moments of silence. 

“What else could he be looking for?”Ginny asks with a frown. 

“I don’t know.” She says simply, “There are many things in Hogwarts that could be useful for someone, many records and papers and books.”

“It must be something important for him then.” Ginny mumbles. “If he is willing to risk the dementors finding him for it.” 

“He was willing to risk his life by escaping Azkaban.” Luna says seriously. “So he either doesn’t care much about it or whatever he has to do here is very serious.” 

“I don’t think many people wouldn’t be willing to risk their lives to escape that place.” Ginny says and Luna nods. 

“I guess you are right.” Luna says. “Did you know Dad thinks that he is actually Stubby Boardman?” 

“I doubt anyone would do this for a musical career, Luna.” She sighs but drops the conversation as they enter the Great Hall, not thinking it wise that any of the professors find them having this discussion. For a second she wonders if that’s why Luna made that ridiculous comment, but truth be told with Luna one can never know. 

As soon as Luna and her find themselves a little spot for them her eyes travel to Harry, finding him way too easily for her pride, he is talking in hushed tones with Hermione and her brother. She has a good guess about what they are talking about, the same as everyone else in this room even. They all seem confused and slightly rattled, Hermione looking more worried than any of the boys, but she guesses Hermione always takes things more seriously than the other two. 

She peels her eyes away from them, fighting the ridiculous, foolish feeling of being left out she has whenever she sees them together and focuses on talking to Luna who is more than happy to help her distract herself. 

She doesn’t manage to sleep that night. But that isn’t that big of a change from every other night. At least this time she has the professors chatter to distract her from her own mind, the question of how Black got into the castle to keep her away from the nightmares that sneak inside of her mind when things are too quiet, and the mystery of what Snape’s theory is about it to keep her active. 

She spends all night thinking. 

She spends the next few days barely thinking at all. 

As things settle back to some sort of normality, Ginny’s days start to fade and blur together, she would worry that she is being possessed again if this didn’t feel completely different, This is a different kind of nothingness, not nearly as comfortable but it works for now. 

But her mind manages to get pulled into awareness twice. 

Once when Snape shows up to teach their DADA class instead of Lupin, the oddity of it all calling her attention and keeping it as Snape gives a lecture they shouldn’t even have this year and assigns them an essay on how to identify and kill werewolves. It’s not a subtle move, much less when she figures out that he did the same for the third year class that day. It’s kind of none of her business, but it makes her feel bad about exploding with Professor Lupin because maybe he knows about what she is going through more than anyone else could, maybe he is the closest he gets to understanding what it is to be fully stripped of control, what it is to go through something that changes you completely.

And the second time is when Dementors storm into the quidditch pitch and make Harry fall off his broom. That time is more than her brain being pulled back to awareness,back to life, it’s her whole body, her heart speeds up to dangerous rates, her muscles tense painfully, her hand tenses around her wand and starts to cast a spell she doesn’t even think of to slow down his fall, but of course Dumbledore is faster, he slows down Harry’s fall before casting a patronus that drives the dementors away. 

She can feel herself shaking, her body feeling as frail as a leaf left to the wind’s wishes, as cold as a corpse, while the whispers of a dead boy echo inside of her soul. 

She starts moving through the crowd, trying to get away from it, trying to get away from the feeling of cold stone against her skin as life spills out of her body into someone else. 

She gets to the common room and sits herself in front of the fire, hoping maybe it can warm the feeling away. 

She startles almost out of her skin, when the twins sit in front of her. 

“What up, Ginbug?” Fred asks her with a teasing smile and she raises her eyebrows waiting for what else is gonna come out of his mind. “Not doing any get well cards for our boy Harry?” 

“Why would I do that?" Her voice comes out hoarse and just then she notices how little she has talked the last few days. 

“Well, poor bloke almost died yet again for starters.” George says. 

“And his broom was wrecked by the Whomping Willow” Fred continues the sentence. 

“We think he needs a little cheering up.” George says again 

“And what better than a patented Ginny Weasley card to get someone’s spirits up?” 

Ginny looks at them suspicious, she learnt at a pretty young age that the twins aren’t necessarily trustworthy in every way, that more often than not they have something under their sleeve, some little trick to play. She has always been good at figuring out what they want and she could pry it out of them but she honestly doesn’t have the energy, if they wanna make her embarrass herself in front of Harry then okay, if they really think the card would be a good gesture then okay, she won’t overthink it.

“Do you really think he would want another card from me?” She asks them and as they nod, they both light up in this incredibly sincere way they do when something excites them for all the good reasons. There’s a chance their good reasons and hers might not completely align but she doesn’t really mind. 

She kind of wants to do this,maybe if she does the things she used to do before Tom she would feel more herself, if she lets herself indulge in these silly little things she will feel like Ginny Weasley again, like the Ginny from before Hogwarts, maybe she can find excitement in doing crafts the same way she used to do. And maybe Harry will appreciate it, cards make people feel cared for that’s what mum has always told her. 

She stands up from her seat and the happy faces of the twins make her hurry to her room as if she truly is excited. She hurries back with all her craft stuff, which has been on her trunk since last year, and for some reason they are both still there. 

“Want any help, Gin-Gin?” George asks as she dumps all her stuff on the floor to start working and her throat tightens. Suddenly she sees what they are doing clear as day. They are worried about her, they want to make sure that she is okay, she has no idea if because of Harry’s fall or if this is a more general thing, but they are prompting her to do something they think she likes, something they know used to make her happy and relaxed and they are going to do it with her. She doubts she is going to be interrogated by her twin brothers, she doubts they will try to pry any information out of her. They just want to be there, see with their own eyes how their little sister is doing.

She sits crossed legged on the floor, her eyes prickling with unshed tears as she tells the twins what they can do for Harry’s card. They of course criticize all of her ideas but do as she says, and for what feels like the first time in what feels like forever she feels warmth.

* * *

It’s a few days later when she finds herself in front of Professor Lupin’s office, willing herself to knock on his door. The warmth of the twins didn’t manage to stay inside of her, didn’t manage to make her feel like an actual human being again, but it did spur her into action, it did make her want to chase that, made her realise that she needs it. And Professor Lupin did say she could go to him if she needed help, so that’s what she is going to do. 

She knocks on his door, once, twice, each thumb of her knuckles against the wood setting her heart beating into a fast pace, each one of the steps approaching the door making it harder to breath. She is scared, she is terrified of having to finally face this, having to talk about it with someone, about having to tell someone, but if she doesn’t she won’t be able to move on, she won’t be able to leave him behind. She has no idea if Lupin will truly be of any help but she still needs to get it all out of her chest. 

He opens the door, the confusion obvious when his eyes land on her so she speaks before he has the chance to ask what she is doing there. 

“You said…” She starts stumbling over her own words, unsure about the step she is going to take. “I need...I need…” 

“Why don’t you come in?” He asks once he realizes she won’t be able to finish her sentence. “We can talk more comfortably this way.”

She sits on the seat he is offering, her loud breathing filling the room, he doesn’t comment on it, just sits in front of her, starts reading over essays when he realizes she won’t start talking anytime soon, that she can’t. She calms herself down, and just once her pulse is back to normal, just once she can breath again she talks.

“I know…” She takes a deep breath, her next words won’t be the best way to start the conversation but they are the only one she can get out right now, they are the only ones that aren’t related to her in this conversation. “I know what you are.” 

“Miss Weasley-” He starts but Ginny cuts him off.

“I’m not saying this because...The only reason I’m telling you I know it’s because it’s what made me decide to talk to you. “ She manages to get out. “It’s what made me believe you would understand me, even if just a little bit.” 

“What do you mean, Ginny? “ his voice almost a whisper, the use of her name an obvious move to make her more comfortable. 

“He took over me, he possessed me.” She mumbles out, her voice coming out strangled, she thinks this is the first time she has said the words. “Last year, it was me, I’m the one who opened the Chamber of Secrets, I’m the one who freed the basilisk, I’m the reason everyone got petrified, he didn’t take me into the Chamber, I walked there myself.” 

He looks at her not saying anything and she immediately regrets having opened her mouth, she regrets even trying this, she should have dealt with this on her own, this is not something she can talk with people about. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers after a while, his voice incredibly kind. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, but nothing that happened was your fault.” 

“But it was.” She insists. “I should have never started to writing in that diary, it was obvious something was wrong when something was wrong when he started writing back to me, but I was too stupid to even realise, I was-”

“You were not stupid. “ He cuts her off firmly. “You are a kid, Ginny, you are not supposed to know everything, you are not supposed to be able to assess every situation and all the dangers, you made a decision that led to awful things yes, but they are not your fault, they will never be your fault, someone manipulated you, someone took advantage of you to the point where you had absolutely no control over things, it’s not your fault and it will never be your fault. 

“But I…” Her voice cracks, sounding more like a sob than words. 

“There’s nothing worse than having your autonomy taken away from you.” He says softly. “It’s a traumatic experience, you went through a traumatic experience, Ginny, and getting over it is going to take so much out of you , but the one thing I need you to understand, the one thing you need to always have clear is that nothing of what happened is your fault.” 

She looks at him not saying anything, taking deep breaths to keep her tears at bay. 

“And the fact that your survived it.” Professor Lupin says softly. “The fact that all of that happened to you and you are still here, that you had the courage to come back is something admirable and much more than I would expect or ask from a twelve year old.”

“It’s not like I had an option.” She mumbles looking down. The praise making her feel extremely uncomfortable,she let herself be manipulated and her foolishness hurt people. She really doesn’t deserve this. 

“Have you talked with your parents about this?” He asks in a way that makes her believe that he already knows the answer. 

“They know what happened.” She says with a shrug pretending the pointed look Lupin is giving her means nothing. 

“But you haven’t told them about it.” He nods to himself as if he was expecting this. “Have you talked with anyone about the whole thing?”

“No.”She says biting her lower lip. “I don’t think I know how.” 

“Why don’t you start by telling how did you find the diary?” 

Ginny looks at him, she doesn’t want to relieve this, she doesn’t want to remember anything about the worst thing that has happened in her short life, but at the same time the whole thing feels like it’s rotting inside of her that the more time she keeps it hidden and locked the worse and worse it gets. She needs to do this, she decides. 

So she does. 

* * *

As cliche as it sounds, as incredibly corny and stupid and useless it seems, actually talking about it takes some weight off her shoulders.

It’s not an immediate reaction, it doesn’t happen the next day, or the next. In fact the week following her conversation with Lupin is miserable, it feels like she is reliving the first few days after having woken in the chamber. The nightmares are constant, not even confined by the darkness of night, Tom follows her, just how he used to do. She hears his voice constantly, sees him in the corner of her eyes, when she opens her eyes when she wakes up, she feels his hand on her shoulders, his fingers against her cheeks, his cold breath against her nape. 

The main difference is that she is letting herself fall apart, she is letting herself deal with this all to the extent she is ready to. She screams at the top of her lungs while flying as fast as she can in the middle of the night. She lets herself really cry for real, lets herself sob the night away hugging her pillow without trying to get herself in control. 

And once she has let herself break down to the smallest of pieces she realizes it’s time to put herself back up. To build herself again. She will never be the Ginny she used to be, she will never be back to how things were before Tom.She is different in good and in bad ways but she is what she is and these are her pieces to pick, to throw away, to break some more until they are the shape that she wants them to be. It’s going to take time and dedication and so much pain but she gets to shape the girl she wants to be now. 

And she will never let anyone take that away from her. 

Not again. 

**Author's Note:**

> you can always go find me on tumblr as starlight-fires, thank you for reading!


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